Thanks!

Afternoon, everyone, it is currently 1325 (1:25P) here in Dallas, TX.  I have so far enjoyed this trip to Dallas and assisting with the ILSb/ICBB!  As many of you already know, I have had an issue with drugs in the past, and because of that I have either the PTSD flashbacks and/or "triggers".  I had a trigger hit me on Friday night of the event, and it hit me HARD.  I had the urge to go use, I wanted to use BAD.

But, I did what I knew I needed to do, I needed to go and talk to someone.  I went to my friends that I have known for years and they helped me off that cliff.  I have not had a trigger hit me in over five months, and quite unsure as to why it hit.  No matter what it happened, I recognized what happened and I am moving on from it.
To everyone that reached out from my biological family to my chosen family, thank you.  I needed that support and help in a dark hour.  I could not be the person I am without the strength, love, and energy that you all put out there for me!

Thank you for reading and sorry if it sounds like rambling, just wanted to get it off my chest really.  

Discussion Board

So, as many of you know from Facebook I had an issue with trying to come up with the post for today's discussion board (it is below, but here is the backstory).  I am a gay male and you all know this, the thing many of you don't know is that I currently attend a Christian College, and they are very anti-gay.  The reasoning why I am attending this college is because I get a discount from the military, and they also provide me with a book voucher to get my books taken care of.  But, I have learned a lot over the period of time about myself, religion and most importantly the field of social work.

The post that I had to write had a prompt that says:

"Chapter 15 of the textbook brings up an interesting topic for discussion, especially for evangelical Christians at University who subscribe to a biblical worldview. In this chapter, Jon states that he considers himself a gay Christian, and he seems fully reconciled in what was once a struggle for him. With respect and consideration for your fellow classmates, discuss how you as a Christian and a social worker will work and relate with co-workers or clients who have beliefs that contradict your own. Use the Bible, scholarly articles, and/or the textbook in your discussion."

So, you can kind of see where my hesitation came from.  As I read through my classmate's posts they mention things like:
"Pray that the gayness will be released."
or
"I do not believe that we can trust or respect them."

So..... yeah....
I took a completely different approach than my classmates with my post, I hope that none of them think I am disrespecting them or saying they are wrong, but at the same time I want them to understand where I am coming from.... At least I hope this doesn't put me in hot water with my professor or anything, I don't think it will, but you never know........  So here is what I wrote:

Following with the prompt on how as a Christian and a social worker would I be able to work and relate with co-workers or clients who have beliefs that contradict my own?  I would honestly just respect the co-worker or the client that I am meeting with because even if we do not share the same beliefs we should still show respect.  I have a gay uncle, and I work with some individuals at the hospital that are gay, and I treat each one of them with respect because they treat me the same way.  There is no reason to turn a person away or put someone down for a different belief or orientation.

So, as a Christian we should look at Luke 6:31 which says, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”  Yes, there are individuals that are gay and there are verses in the Bible that look down upon them, but Luke 6:31 pretty much sums up how we should treat each other.  I would not want to go to a business owned by a Muslim individual and be denied service, why should we deny them of anything as well? 

So as a social worker it is our ethical responsibility as professionals to “not practice, condone, facilitate, or collaborate with any form of discrimination on the basis of race, ethnicity, national origin, color, sex, sexual orientation, age, marital status, political belief, religion, or mental or physical disability (Code of Ethics , 1996).”  So, if we have a client that is a gay, or questioning their sexuality or has a mental or physical illness we should not discriminate and deny them the same services that you would provide to a Christian mother/father that is needing those same services.  

Code of Ethics. (1996). Retrieved from National Association of Social Workers (NASW): http://www.socialworkers.org/pubs/code/code.asp

I believe that I touched the right spots with replying to the prompt.... Thoughts?

METAMORPHOSIS

Sorry if this seems jumbled and repeating, but I feel like an updated is needed.  Especially after such an amazing CLAW!!

         I believe I am going to take a note off of Survivor from a few weeks ago, and use the word Metamorphosis.... Many of you have seen me from before drugs, to using drugs, to after, and now..... I have evolved tremendously, and in such a positive way.  Last year I was still in a shell, this year, I broke out and was back to who I was when I began the journey!! This past weekend I felt back to my "norm", and was smiling, all happy, and just being me.  I want to thank every single one of you that came up and hugged me, or had something to say about you being scared for me.  I was scared as well, but I didn't know how to help myself at the time. 
         I remind you that I RARELY go to meetings for my addiction, but I deal with it on a daily basis.  There are many days I have urges to use, just to lose a few pounds and to have a good sex time.  But even then, sex is amazing without the influence of drugs, that is one thing I've finally been able to understand.  I don't drink to get drunk, I don't drink all the time either.  Which I am extremely proud of myself for this.  I did not replace drugs with alcohol, I basically replaced drugs with school, work and me. 
       There is much more that can be said right now, but I believe this is a great ending point.  For those of you that didn't know I had a drug problem, you know now.  For those of you that have had my back and sit back not knowing how to help, thank you for just being there.  That support whether you helped or not, was much more needed than anything.  To anyone that knows someone having an issue with addiction, I remind you that all you have to do is express to them that you are there.  If you express you are there, they will know that someone is caring for them even if they don't think anyone cares.  I have been in this spot, I know what it feels like. 

Leather

For those of you that knew me before I started using drugs and doing all the crazy things that I did, knew that I had some pieces of Leather and things.  I decided when I had lost almost ALL of my weight I was practically the size of a twig I gave it all to a guy in Chicago that I really did not know that well, but he and I became friends.  He took the leather and stored it for me and on occasion he wore it, which is fine, it was being used.  Well I just reached out to him about a month or two ago and asked him if he still had any of it, he said he would have to look.  So we all know that my heart sank in fear that it was missing, or that he had given it away.  Well just about a week or so ago he text me and said he found it and that he would be sending it to me as soon as he could.  I am so happy to have received that news because I haven't had my leather in over three years, so the chance to get it and recondition it and make it shine like the day that is was gifted to me will be amazing!! I believe that my Leather Heart is back and that it is honestly stronger and bolder than ever.

Just a random thought of happiness that I have for myself right now that I thought I would share with my friends and family near and far.....

Brief Update

       I have decided to do a brief update for those of you that follow this blog that I have.  I know I haven't posted in a minute or two.... But I am thinking of doing weekly updates just so everyone has an idea of what is going on with me.  To start I recently accepted a 'training collar' from my Sir and Alpha.  I don't think I could have been chosen by anyone other than these two, they are amazing and make me feel like a great boy, that I know I am.

Sir Rich, and Pup Gryphn
 putting a training collar on
me.

       So other than that I am still in college and have finally decided what type of job and degree I want to pursue, that would be a Bachelors in Social Work, and after I get my Bachelors, I would want to try and go for my Masters in Social Work, because I ideally want to be a drug counselor or a HIV/AIDS counselor and the best way to do either of those would be to get a Bachelor/Masters in social work.  Which I have no doubt I could do it as long as I can keep my motivation for it.
       I am actively looking for a car of my own, mostly because I really need a car so I can be able to get around and get to where I need to go.  Otherwise I would just use my dads truck all the time, but I would rather not.  I need and want something of my own.  Especially to help me rebuild my credit back up!
      Other than that little bit I have a long list of goals that I want to try and accomplish, so just wish me luck!

Alan Penrod

 Sir Alan and his boy David are in the center of the picture.

I know this is going to probably be one of the saddest updates I think I have had to make ever.  A friend that I didn't know all that well has passed away.  Sir Alan Penrod, of Atlanta, GA has passed away.  I barely knew him, the only time I have spent with him was at BDSM 101 Mummification at The Atlanta Eagle, then again at the Panther L/L Christmas party, then again at the Eagle's Christmas Party.  We were planning for a mummification class of superheroes for Black and Blue, David, Robbie and myself would all be mummified up as the Powerpuff Girls.  The shine in his eye was so excited and he seemed all getty about the idea.  The news that he passed was shocking, but he surely made me smile thinking about the fun we had at the BDSM class and at the dinner.

Robbie, Myself and David

So to try and brighten up the post a friend and I were talking, he said everyday is short and you never know what tomorrow may bring.  That being said, think of 5 people you admire that you'd like to get to know them better or 5 people that you want to share your feelings about them.  Letting people know that they mean something to you, no matter how big or how small of a impact they have made to you is something that will usually brighten there day.  

I will end this blog by saying 2016 is starting to be the rebirth of the boy that everyone once knew.  I am starting back at school on Monday, I should be starting work on Monday or Tuesday.  (Will be working at a Dementia and Alzheimer Clinic located in Roanoke, VA)  I am about 158 days clean of drugs, and just wanting to make myself healthier and happier.  

Also, Sir Alan thank you for being a great man, you will be missed by everyone that you impacted and even more so Nitro and David.  

boy Robert 

Ellen Page

You can't just share a article just by reading the headline. YOU HAVE to watch the article about Ellen page, she is 26 and she came out to the nation on Feb. 14.  Her speech is something that I believe anyone questioning themselves or there sexuality should watch it, even parents should watch her speech as well. I love the fact that she air quotes 'norms' it comes back to some of the things that I bring up OFTEN. I know I don't fit any one persons stereotype of a 'normal' gay guy. No one fits a 'normal' type of anything. I believe that the word 'normal' should just be eliminated. No one is ever 'normal', every single person is unique. I know I am different than any other 25 year old with HIV, I am different than any other leather boy in the leather community, also know that I am different than any other chef in the culinary industry. Me being different is what has been helping me get through the tough times I have had in the past and its going to keep pushing me further than ever. Ellen Page I thank you. You have had my support, and you will continue to have my support, keep acting and popping out some great movies.

Five Years....

Well today is my 5th year of testing HIV +.  Truthfully I don't know what to say, the last couple of months have been great to me.  Seems everything has been pretty much Uphill for me with a few slight small downhill moments.  But all in all I am happy.  I have attached a picture of myself and my friend Kris Kohl.  Kris was one of the first people there for me to tell me that it was not a pink slip and I would live life to the fullest.  So far I have been!  Thank you Kris, I love you!!  HIV is NOT a death sentence, I have had it for five years, I have known of others with it for much longer!  I know I may sound stupid right now, but truthfully, just getting thoughts out into a blog!

Rob

Scholarship Essay

So......Passion and Creativity, Past and Future, those were the things I wrote about in my essay for the Chopped Inspired Culinary School scholarship.  I had someone point out to me that I have competed for all sorts of leather competitions and that I was so confident in all of them, yeah that is true unsure really why I am so uneasy about this essay.  Over the last month of trying to figure out what to write for this essay it has stressed me out and truthfully made me want to just give up on it. But I am not allowed to give up anymore, giving up was the easy and 'comfortable' way to do things.  I am not ready to give up this go around.....After I receive the notes and critiques from the 'editor's', then I will need to do one last look over and combine all the comments into what I hope to be the final draft of my essay..Once it is submitted all we can do is sit back and wait...The next phase of the competition is a local chopped competition....Which I am hoping I get chosen to do!  I may not be very knowledgeable currently with foods and knife cuts but if you give me a protein and a starch I guarantee you I could probably grab a few extra ingredients and make a amazing dish!!

Deletion....

So.....I have done it....I have deleted my Boy Rob page on Facebook.  My page about me being a boy and how I have been growing myself for the community and everyone has backed me in the past. I created the Boy Rob page as my way to become a better community member and title holder.  I also did it for other reasons, but you know that life is not judged on how many people 'like' you.  Life is judged by what you do for yourself and those that love you.  At least that is how I see it.  I did everything in the past for Everyone else and I am now doing something great for myself.


What many of you may not know is that in September and October there were times that I was standing by the Red Line Tracks In Chicago, IL and thought to myself, 'I have no real meaning or purpose here, why can't I just jump and end it all'.  Other thoughts that were on my mind during those times were thoughts of thinking that there was no tomorrow, the no tomorrow thoughts for me have been prevalent since I was in High School, but I have grown to accept them.  I gave up on HIV, I gave up on my family, I gave up on love, I gave up on the community, and more importantly I gave up on my own life in the past.   The moment I chose to live was the moment I hopped on that MegaBus in November, that was the moment I decided I NEEDED to do everything for myself.  In a short period of two months I have gained 15lbs, I met a man that accepts me for my past and looks towards a future with me, I have allowed my family closer to me now more than ever before and I am just so proud to be me.  This is the reasons mostly for deleting the Boy Rob Community/Public Figure page, I did it because I felt like no one really loved me in the past.  I know it was all stupid thinking.  I know that I am loved and cared about/for.  I know I never update this blog, but I may start trying to do a weekly update mostly because I am putting my thoughts out there for me as well as you to read them, Blogging or Journaling is therapy especially for those of us that may have problems letting our feelings out really.  I know it has helped me.  Thank you for reading this and I really hope that you all understand exactly why I am doing this.

Update on Me.....

Well...... I know most of the people that read my blog have probably been wondering how I am doing.....well truthfully I have been going nuts.  But me going nuts is the beginning to get everything turned around and back on the right path.  I have lost another 20lbs from stress, being sick, and just not being able to eat at all.  I am down to 180, last time I was this weight I was a freshman in High School.  Now anymore weight I lose I will do it all the safe and healthy way.  I have spent most of my time with my Daddy Brandyn and our newest addition to our family Tank, a 9 month old black lab, they have been helping with a lot of my breakdowns lately, since my last breakdown the day before we got Tank, I have had none.  I have not had any of my breakdowns that make me angry then cry.  Which it's a good thing!  I am actively looking for better employment, which right now I am fine with the job I have.  I am fine with everything that is happening all around me, granted things could be better and I could stress less, but right now it is all working out the way that it has to.  No one knows the path or journey until it happens.  You never know what tomorrow will bring, so just imagine that there is no tomorrow.  That's what I have been doing, live life to the fullest.  Treat everyday as its your last because you may never know what will happen within that one day.  I do regret some of the things in my past, but hey look at me now, I am standing higher and brighter than anyone ever thought I would.
Thank you Brandyn for putting up with my breakdwosn and thank you for helping me through all my issues, it's been a tough start to our relationship, but now all we have to do it look up and it will all turn fine I promise to not let you down, I promise I will try to open up more, just know I have never opened up for anyone ever before.  I love you Daddy!  Thank you!!

Izzy

Izzy and Myself

So...this is a blog posting about one individual in the last day that has actually made me so proud to do Team Friendly Northeast Ohio things as well as ANYTHING dealing with Mr Friendly.  Izzy is a 15 year old, who acts more mature than her age.  According to her mom she knows five instruments and now is seeking to learn how to conduct.  I had the privilege of meeting Izzy and her mom on Wednesday, May 8, 2013 when I made my Team Friendly Northeast Ohio presentation at the Blazing River Freedoms Band rehearsal.  After the presentation Izzy and her mom came and talked with me for a few minutes and well Izzy is very excited and has agreed to pass out Mr Friendly/Team Friendly Northeast Ohio material to people in her school.  Izzy, you are the youngest supporter of Team Friendly Northeast Ohio and I am VERY proud to have both you and your mom on this team.  I am essentially just writing this so people can see that it does NOT matter how old you are, or how young that we are all in the fight together to stop the stigma of HIV.
A simple 15 year old, well she is not that simple if she wants to play five instruments and learn how to conduct, but she is more than willing to spread the word to her classmates in high school.  I am 24 and I am willing to spread the word of Mr Friendly and fighting the stigma of HIV.  This is a ongoing battle and no matter what we need your help!  HIV is a ongoing problem so lets just so what we can do to prevent everyone from being let down.

The little boy waving to me as I walk 2.4 miles home just made this one of my best days yet. Amazing how the negative things lately are the ones that I have created. Since CLAW all I have really had are positive experience, two breakdowns but only on things I can't control. VERY proud of what I am doing for myself as well as others. Starting to get happy with the place we have moved to. A few small things here and there but do happy with the obstacles I am overcoming with Brandyn. Even more proud of the obstacles I am overcoming on my own.

The journey to discovering who Robert is will be a never ending journey. So far I have realized that the boy I claim to be is really me. I know I still have deeper work to do on this, but I am the independent boy with the boyish, mischievous smirk on the verge of causing some type of trouble. Well not really trouble but you know what I mean. This little blog initially began as a Facebook update bit as I walk and think back on the little boy that waved at me and made me smile, just the fact that we were all once that small. We were all once that innocent, but we have all grown from that. Some still wish they could turn back time and change something in there past but I see nothing in my past that I really want to change. I was raped for a reason, I became positive for a reason, I started using drugs for a reason. Everything happened for a reason and those reasons may not be completely clear right now but the reasons will present themselves when the moment is right.

I am very glad I met Brandynn, he has helped me through issues and don't think I could ask for a eternal non judgmental person in my life. Thank you Brandynn and sorry that I have the breakdowns.

So this is my one random walk he blog, I have a feeling there may before of these. If has taken me 30 minutes to walk 2 miles. Not in a hurry, other than Brandynn had dinner ready for me. But it was a nice relaxing walk, got me to think about a lot of things! I want to encourage everyone to just keep watching me. I have so many things happening soon with Team Friendly, my sister Phystina is performing next month, I will be at IML, also I am letting boy robert out to go and Roast Veranda at Cocktails on June 1, 2013.

Thank you to everyone that had been here helping me one step at a time!

Robert


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Confession

So this is me wanting to breakdown right now and confess to my family the one thing that many of you may know and many of you may not know.  I have had a problem recently and that problem was with drugs.  I started drugs about two years ago, but never really got deep in them until I got demoted in February of 2013.  I did stop them for a few weeks but when I was in Dallas, TX for Texas Bear Round Up after being sick for two nights I felt so unwanted and un needed by everyone really.  So in terms I decided that I was going to have some guys over, when they came over they brought drugs and well it all just fell apart from there.

When I returned home from Dallas, TX, I did not get sick because of some sickness, I got sick due to the withdrawal of the drugs.  From going non-stop on using drugs for four days to not doing them at all caused me to get sick.  It caused me to go two and half weeks with not eating, caused me to almost lose my job at the airport, caused me to have the shakes so bad that I could not sleep at all.  I had bad crazy cravings for it, and had no way to subside them but to do more of the drugs.

Finally I broke down and did more, when I did that little bit two weeks after the first slams of it all I started to feel relaxed, it worked the way I wanted it to, and then I ran out.  The time I ran out I decided that I needed to be above this.  I need to be able to get over this hurdle and be able to start on to something new.  This past weekend I was approached by many people that I call family, ALL of them were expressing there concern and finally one individual approached me and said he was worried for me and he broke me down.

The moment he broke me down it finally made me realize that I do need help to get past this.  I have the family and support from my friends behind me and that is all I am asking for.  At the moment I feel like I am about to slip or go do something stupid there will be a call to this individual.  At the moment I feel like I just can't go on the individual will get a call.  This individual is the one person that I will say has really given me some strong advice and I really need to take it and use it towards my life!  So as of Monday, April 29, 2013 I, Robert VanNess from this day forward will be fighting my addiction to drugs.  I am looking for a 12 Step Program and I am going to do it the right way!

Please stay with me and help me through this, I know for fact that I will have problems along the way, but if I have family by my side to help me and get through this, I think I will make through!

Thank You, and Sorry to those that this blog may have feeling like I have let them down.  I have let you down, but even more so myself.

boy robert

So many of you know that I have been having these crazy crazy breakdowns lately.  But after talking with family, and very close friends as well as someone from the 'outside' that doesn't know me much at all, I have come to the conclusion that boy Robert will be taking a break.

Many of you know that I have been boy Robert since I was 17 and have always been known as boy Robert.  After this weekend at CLAW I have come to realize that NO ONE knows Robert, everyone knows boy Robert.  So I am taking a break from being boy, I will be at IML, but I will be there as Robert.  I will slowly start pursuing the hobbies that I had before I started all my leather life and my charity work.  I am still going to be apart of Team Friendly Northeast Ohio as well as help with any events someone needs help with.

Can you see the change in me?

Lady Justice, thank you for talk.  Thank you for making me realize that I am pushing everyone that truthfully cares about me away, I will try my hardest to not push them away.  Master Noel, and SIR Marc, thank you for being there for me and accepting me as the crazy boy I am.  Thank you for allowing me to be a distant member of your family and allowing me to wear your family shirt.  Cb, Thank You for the talk and I am slowly working towards what we were talking about.  Dave, I do want to thank you tremendously for being there and being such a  great friend for me.  Also thank you to Master Noel, Dave and Cb for holding me when I was crying, I really needed that support and love from my family at the moments I was down.

I really hope that everyone understands this.  I know I may lose a few friends in the search of me becoming me, but I am willing to sacrifice friends to become a better Robert.  The picture attached is a picture that I took on Tuesday, April 30th 2013.  In the picture you can see the change of me in my eyes.  You can tell that I am changing for the good. Granted it is two days after I decided to start the change, but I am out in the sun walking more.  I am not in the depressed mindset that I was in before, I am finally realizing that I am loved by many.

Thank You for reading this, I really hope that everyone understands this and it makes sense.

Oraquick HIV Home Testing....

So....This was a question I posted on FaceBook earlier this week.....It was just a test to judge peoples opinions and what not which is what I am starting to do more and more......I asked everyone what there opinions were on the Oraquick HIV Home Testing kit.  These kits can be found at RiteAid, CVS Pharmacy and a few other pharmacy's that are named on there site.  Some of the opinions were positive but the majority of them were negative.  A few of the people that responded said that it was a good idea to do it in your own home, but others say no, only because if the test were to come back positive and you were alone that you are at your own risk and things may happen, and not in the good way.  Understandable, I know when I found out that I was HIV + my first instinct was 'Might as well end my life now'  but obviously that didn't happen, I have grown so much from that day til now.

So my opinion......Truthfully it is something that I am kind of indifferent about.  If you know that you are playing safe, if you know for fact that everyone you have played with is HIV - go ahead and get the home test.  If you play bare and you are always risking it, go get tested by someone.  Hell truthfully save yourself the money.  Go get tested by someone they are typically free test, usually the exact same Oraquick test that I am talking about here.  That person that is administrating the test will really be informative and will typically answer all the questions you have about testing, safe sex, some have information on STD's and truthfully that person will kind of be the breaking point of choosing life or death.  When I say that I mean if you go and test positive there is a high possibility that you will think that, I know I did and i know of others that did as well.  But when I went and got tested my counselor was there and she talked with me and just made me feel so much better about myself, and even made me feel better knowing that I can live with it and live a happy healthy life.  Four years later look at me, I am living happy, healthy and right now FULL life.  I am very proud of what I am currently doing and even more proud of the accomplishments I have accomplished!!!!

Ok...So that I have talked about going to places to get tested for HIV.  Some of the places I know of here in Cleveland, OH are the Free Clinic (thefreeclinic.org), Project S.A.F.E. (http://www.clevelandtreatmentcenter.org/projectSAFE.htm), FLEXSpas Cleveland (Mon, Tues, Weds, Fri 4p-8p), these are the current places that I know of that gives HIV testing, all offer FREE HIV Testing!  The place that I tested in Tulsa, OK that has a amazing counselor that made me feel so comfortable is called Health Outreach Prevention Education also known as H.O.P.E (https://www.facebook.com/HOPETulsa)  If you live in Tulsa, OK please contact them they are very informative!  If you are looking for places in your area that does HIV and STD testing just google it, or talk to people in your area that you know go get tested on a regular basis.  If you are Negative I suggest to go get tested every three months, more if you play bare.  If you are Neg or Pos still go get STD/STI testing on a regular basis.....

Ok I am off my little soap box for now....But I hope everyone realizes I AM NOT forcing safe sex on anyone, I am blunting just suggesting everyone to get tested on a regular basis.

Thanks for reading everyone!
boy Robert

Here is the website for Oraquick
Oraquick Website

boy With The Heart of Leather....

This blog is titled 'boy With The Heart of Leather' only because that's what my 'business' cards say on them....But truthfully that's not why I am titling the blog that.  I took my little break like everyone suggested I do, it was a SHORT one, but truthfully at the time of my breakdown I was sick and just really didn't want to be around ANYONE.  I am much better now.
So...I am now calling myself the boy with the heart of leather because that's what I have.  I don't have to wear leather to know that I am a leather boy.  I may not be as submissive, obedient or whatever else other boys are, I am fine with being me.  I am not Old Guard, not really New Guard either.....I respect those that deserve the respect and truthfully I want the same in return.  I may not be the cookie cutter boy, I don't wear Levi 501's and a white t shirt, I don't tuck my shirts in.  I know that not tucking shirts in makes you look sloppy, but right now since losing weight the shirt and pants are going to untuck it anyways so just deal with it.  I may not be the 24/7 boy that someone wants to have and own, but I am the one that makes the decision on when I am ready for that.  At that moment I will petition a Sir, at that moment I would hopefully have everything in my world squared away.
To be honest recently I have wanted to just give up and hope that something/someone would just come along and end my life.  I know this is a extremely stupid thought, but it is a thought i have had.  But i look at the accomplishments I have, and the accomplishments of what I am doing and I can't give up.  I can't give up and let the world win, I am the one that will win this fight!  Yes I know it may seem like I am starting to repeat myself, but hey such is life.  I repeat myself multiples times....Guarantee there may be a few blogs that are pretty much talking about the same thing......
So the main reasoning's behind the title.  I just want everyone to know that I am a good boy, actually i am a great boy, I am a hard working, independent, rough and tumble boy that has a soft side.  I may be a eager boy to serve, I may be a depressed boy when I can't serve, but hey this is me, no matter how hard i try to change it or how I try to manipulate it I will always be this anxious, eager boy that wants to serve and be happy at doing it.  Til then, get over it.
OK, now that is said and done.....I have a few small announcements, one, I am working pretty much part-time at FLEXspas on certain nights of the week, good job, pay is OK, and I get to work out for free!  So that's the major plus.  Also CLAW is in a few weeks and i really can't wait to see what fun, mischief and mayhem i can cause!  Also i will be having a HUGE Team Friendly Northeast Ohio Announcement.....This Weds......SO if you are following the activities of Team Friendly Northeast Ohio on face book.....you will see what my surprise is!
Lastly....I am fine, I don't need everyone constantly asking me how I am.  I am as healthy as I can be, and I am fine.  Just working a lot to be able to pay my bills and try to save.....

Thanks Everyone!
boy Robert

Battle....

So few people have been messaging me and asking me who am I fighting....well truthfully this is answered as I am fighting myself.  I jumped into the whole leather community and what not at about 17 and never really got around to discovering who 'Robert' is.  I went right into boy Robert....So since then I have been putting up the walls and everything to try and be portrayed at boy Robert, hiding any real feelings of who 'Robert' actually is.  I know some of you may think that this is crazy, but this is the truth.  I have come to this point recently of not feeling wanted, not feeling like anyone cares about me, I know that this is not true.  I do have friends, and some of those friends are family they do care about me, they care about watching me succeed more than watching me fail.  I will be boy Robert again, but only after I take the time to discover who Robert is, and who Robert wants to be/do with his life.  Just wanted to let everyone know what is going through my head, what the good and bad have done for me, and what I am going to do to succeed in my path rather than fail.  Really hope you understand, and hope to have the support of the friends closer to me.....


Robert

boys Mental Breakdown....

SO much stuff on my mind...I wish i could just vent and let it all out...But at the same time if I did that I would start pointing out the MULTIPLE flaws of my 'friends'. Some days people need to just look in the mirror and actually ask themselves what they are doing with there lives....Lately I have not been asking myself this and I have just been riding the waves to just be here in the moment. At this moment i feel like giving up on some of these so called 'friends' because when i gave them advice they listened to it for a second, then went and did the opposite when shit hit the fan. I am giving up on looking for 'love' or even a 'Sir'.....Neither will happen for me...Hasn't yet, so it will probably never happen. Yes I understand this is a woe is me posting, but lately i have just been feeling the need to let things out. The only real positive things I have going for me right now is Team Friendly Northeast Ohio, and the few people that are really close to me that make me feel like I am wanted. During TBRU i felt unwanted, felt like no one wanted to hang out or talk to me, which is mostly why I stayed at the hotel even when I started to feel better. I know there are some people that wanted to hang out and spend time together, but it just never happened......Maybe I am just going a little crazy right now, but this is really killing me and wanted to let people know that I am feeling unwanted by a lot of people lately....I feel like I am being pushed away, or even into a hole that I can't climb out of. I really hope that those of you reading this know that I need the help to not give up. I need the help of these true 'friends' to keep pushing me and helping me to not give up. I guess I will just sit back and wait to see who can help me, who can push me, who can help be that true 'friend'........

TBRU Part 1!!

boy Robert and Pup Friendly!

Hey Everyone!  I just wanted to give a update on TBRU......First of all OMG!!!  I have met so many bears, cubs, otters etc that already know who Mr Friendly is!  So many of them talk about the Team Friendly groups in there cities and its just amazing to hear about it.  There is just so much that I can type into this about the people that have come up to me and just made me feel so special!  I am going to end this here with this and say thanks Dave for allowing me to do Mr Friendly again this year!  I am proud to support Mr Friendly ANYWAY possible!  Its a strong organization and so excited to be around the bears!!!! WOOOF!!!  Remember this is just part 1!!