Battle....

So few people have been messaging me and asking me who am I fighting....well truthfully this is answered as I am fighting myself.  I jumped into the whole leather community and what not at about 17 and never really got around to discovering who 'Robert' is.  I went right into boy Robert....So since then I have been putting up the walls and everything to try and be portrayed at boy Robert, hiding any real feelings of who 'Robert' actually is.  I know some of you may think that this is crazy, but this is the truth.  I have come to this point recently of not feeling wanted, not feeling like anyone cares about me, I know that this is not true.  I do have friends, and some of those friends are family they do care about me, they care about watching me succeed more than watching me fail.  I will be boy Robert again, but only after I take the time to discover who Robert is, and who Robert wants to be/do with his life.  Just wanted to let everyone know what is going through my head, what the good and bad have done for me, and what I am going to do to succeed in my path rather than fail.  Really hope you understand, and hope to have the support of the friends closer to me.....


Robert

boys Mental Breakdown....

SO much stuff on my mind...I wish i could just vent and let it all out...But at the same time if I did that I would start pointing out the MULTIPLE flaws of my 'friends'. Some days people need to just look in the mirror and actually ask themselves what they are doing with there lives....Lately I have not been asking myself this and I have just been riding the waves to just be here in the moment. At this moment i feel like giving up on some of these so called 'friends' because when i gave them advice they listened to it for a second, then went and did the opposite when shit hit the fan. I am giving up on looking for 'love' or even a 'Sir'.....Neither will happen for me...Hasn't yet, so it will probably never happen. Yes I understand this is a woe is me posting, but lately i have just been feeling the need to let things out. The only real positive things I have going for me right now is Team Friendly Northeast Ohio, and the few people that are really close to me that make me feel like I am wanted. During TBRU i felt unwanted, felt like no one wanted to hang out or talk to me, which is mostly why I stayed at the hotel even when I started to feel better. I know there are some people that wanted to hang out and spend time together, but it just never happened......Maybe I am just going a little crazy right now, but this is really killing me and wanted to let people know that I am feeling unwanted by a lot of people lately....I feel like I am being pushed away, or even into a hole that I can't climb out of. I really hope that those of you reading this know that I need the help to not give up. I need the help of these true 'friends' to keep pushing me and helping me to not give up. I guess I will just sit back and wait to see who can help me, who can push me, who can help be that true 'friend'........

TBRU Part 1!!

boy Robert and Pup Friendly!

Hey Everyone!  I just wanted to give a update on TBRU......First of all OMG!!!  I have met so many bears, cubs, otters etc that already know who Mr Friendly is!  So many of them talk about the Team Friendly groups in there cities and its just amazing to hear about it.  There is just so much that I can type into this about the people that have come up to me and just made me feel so special!  I am going to end this here with this and say thanks Dave for allowing me to do Mr Friendly again this year!  I am proud to support Mr Friendly ANYWAY possible!  Its a strong organization and so excited to be around the bears!!!! WOOOF!!!  Remember this is just part 1!!

Friends

So....most of you know that as of Monday, Feb. 25, 2013 I was demoted from Supervisor to Ramp Agent. It was a HUGE surprise and I am taking this tough.  But I have true friends that are there telling me I am fine, everything is ok, just relax.  I know I am fine, but currently I feel like the independent person I have become is withering away because now I am stressing more about the things I never stressed about.  I never really worried about money, now I am.  I am trying to figure things out step by step.  I know I have TBRU in just a few weeks and i need to get my mind straight and re prepped for that because everything was planned out for that, now I have to pick up two extra days at work and need to make sure I can get them covered.
Sorry if this is like a little rant or anything but I was essentially just saying thank you to all my friends that have been here for me recently.  I have needed this comfort from friends and family and thank you everyone for it.  I am now going to just grab life by the horns and ride it out!  I need to find a better job and I am looking for that.  So if you know anywhere in Cleveland that is hiring, let me know!

Friendly!

Mr Friendly

So in just a few weeks I will be going to TBRU, for those of you that do not know what that is it is The Texas Bear Round Up!  It is a lot of fun and you get to meet ALOT of great guys!  This year I am heading up the Mr Friendly booth at TBRU and I am very excited!  Wondering what Mr Friendly is?  Well Mr Friendly is the face of fighting the stigma of HIV! The way I look at everything we are ALL EQUAL!  No matter if you are HIV + or HIV - we are still family!  Remember to always disclose your status to anyone that you are about to have any type of sexual encounter with.  I have personally felt this stigma and currently feeling it here in Cleveland on the hookup sites here!  Its not a good feeling, I have been HIV + for four years and have turned so much around in my personal life.   So if you want to hate on me for it then there is no reason for us to talk, I did not choose to become HIV +, but it happened.
Well the original thought of this whole blog is that I am very very proud to announce that I am working on getting a Team Friendly Northeast Ohio together!  With the help of a few close friends  we will all get this together and spread the word of fighting the stigma of HIV across Northeast Ohio!  There is so much more that can be said about this but at the current moment I am drawing a blank.  If you want to know more information about Mr Friendly and the creation of Team Friendly Northeast Ohio please feel free to email me at armycub@gmail.com!!

Jan. 27

So every year, for the past four years I have looked at today January 27 as a day that I would be depressed and down and not happy.  Well this year it is different.  This year I look at this day and look at it as the day that my life had changed around for the good.  January 27, 2008 was the day that I discovered I was HIV +, this day four years ago I wanted to kill myself, I thought to myself there was no point to continue and live.  I thought about this multiple times through out that year.  Instead I looked at myself in the mirror, and decided it would be the change, I would take it and mold it to make myself a better person from it.  So I did.

Today, January 27, 2013 I am proud to say I am HIV +, I am starting up the Team Friendly Northeast Ohio, I have held two leather boy titles, I am proud of the boy that I have become, even more proud of the things I am accomplishing every day! I have taken something that I looked as to be a death sentence on my mind and body and turned it into the thing that changed me for the good.  I am very proud of who I am today.  This is not a blog to ask for pity or anything like that, this is me finally realizing I am a good boy, I can overcome anything that is put in front of me!

Day 1.....

So day 1 of 2013 will be written in the book as my longest day so far for 2013. Worked til 1am, got home at 2am then I had to get back up at 330am to head back to work. Well long story short I worked til 2pm went home ate a snack laid on the couch and I was out, dead to the world til about 130am when I got up to go to the bathroom and crawl into bed with my big Teddy. Cuddled up with him til I had to get up and hop right back on the rapid to work at 8. Regional Manager visit today after all the crazy issues we have had the last few weeks. By the way one of the main reasons I have been gloomy is actually all based on work. Starting today work problems need to stay at work and will not be brought back out unless it involves other things.
It's amazing how thinking that way that it relaxes me more and more. It's good to get things off my mind and relax about it all. I really don't want to work today but hey, my rent will be paid tomorrow and I can take my check next week go get groceries and just let it sit in my account and not be touched! Well pay my cell phone bill and then I won't have to pay anything. Til rent is due again in Feb, so maybe ill actually start saving money! Well not much more to really say or even think about right now. I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year and hope that everything is grand an swell with you all!
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