Update on Me.....

Well...... I know most of the people that read my blog have probably been wondering how I am doing.....well truthfully I have been going nuts.  But me going nuts is the beginning to get everything turned around and back on the right path.  I have lost another 20lbs from stress, being sick, and just not being able to eat at all.  I am down to 180, last time I was this weight I was a freshman in High School.  Now anymore weight I lose I will do it all the safe and healthy way.  I have spent most of my time with my Daddy Brandyn and our newest addition to our family Tank, a 9 month old black lab, they have been helping with a lot of my breakdowns lately, since my last breakdown the day before we got Tank, I have had none.  I have not had any of my breakdowns that make me angry then cry.  Which it's a good thing!  I am actively looking for better employment, which right now I am fine with the job I have.  I am fine with everything that is happening all around me, granted things could be better and I could stress less, but right now it is all working out the way that it has to.  No one knows the path or journey until it happens.  You never know what tomorrow will bring, so just imagine that there is no tomorrow.  That's what I have been doing, live life to the fullest.  Treat everyday as its your last because you may never know what will happen within that one day.  I do regret some of the things in my past, but hey look at me now, I am standing higher and brighter than anyone ever thought I would.
Thank you Brandyn for putting up with my breakdwosn and thank you for helping me through all my issues, it's been a tough start to our relationship, but now all we have to do it look up and it will all turn fine I promise to not let you down, I promise I will try to open up more, just know I have never opened up for anyone ever before.  I love you Daddy!  Thank you!!

Izzy

Izzy and Myself

So...this is a blog posting about one individual in the last day that has actually made me so proud to do Team Friendly Northeast Ohio things as well as ANYTHING dealing with Mr Friendly.  Izzy is a 15 year old, who acts more mature than her age.  According to her mom she knows five instruments and now is seeking to learn how to conduct.  I had the privilege of meeting Izzy and her mom on Wednesday, May 8, 2013 when I made my Team Friendly Northeast Ohio presentation at the Blazing River Freedoms Band rehearsal.  After the presentation Izzy and her mom came and talked with me for a few minutes and well Izzy is very excited and has agreed to pass out Mr Friendly/Team Friendly Northeast Ohio material to people in her school.  Izzy, you are the youngest supporter of Team Friendly Northeast Ohio and I am VERY proud to have both you and your mom on this team.  I am essentially just writing this so people can see that it does NOT matter how old you are, or how young that we are all in the fight together to stop the stigma of HIV.
A simple 15 year old, well she is not that simple if she wants to play five instruments and learn how to conduct, but she is more than willing to spread the word to her classmates in high school.  I am 24 and I am willing to spread the word of Mr Friendly and fighting the stigma of HIV.  This is a ongoing battle and no matter what we need your help!  HIV is a ongoing problem so lets just so what we can do to prevent everyone from being let down.

The little boy waving to me as I walk 2.4 miles home just made this one of my best days yet. Amazing how the negative things lately are the ones that I have created. Since CLAW all I have really had are positive experience, two breakdowns but only on things I can't control. VERY proud of what I am doing for myself as well as others. Starting to get happy with the place we have moved to. A few small things here and there but do happy with the obstacles I am overcoming with Brandyn. Even more proud of the obstacles I am overcoming on my own.

The journey to discovering who Robert is will be a never ending journey. So far I have realized that the boy I claim to be is really me. I know I still have deeper work to do on this, but I am the independent boy with the boyish, mischievous smirk on the verge of causing some type of trouble. Well not really trouble but you know what I mean. This little blog initially began as a Facebook update bit as I walk and think back on the little boy that waved at me and made me smile, just the fact that we were all once that small. We were all once that innocent, but we have all grown from that. Some still wish they could turn back time and change something in there past but I see nothing in my past that I really want to change. I was raped for a reason, I became positive for a reason, I started using drugs for a reason. Everything happened for a reason and those reasons may not be completely clear right now but the reasons will present themselves when the moment is right.

I am very glad I met Brandynn, he has helped me through issues and don't think I could ask for a eternal non judgmental person in my life. Thank you Brandynn and sorry that I have the breakdowns.

So this is my one random walk he blog, I have a feeling there may before of these. If has taken me 30 minutes to walk 2 miles. Not in a hurry, other than Brandynn had dinner ready for me. But it was a nice relaxing walk, got me to think about a lot of things! I want to encourage everyone to just keep watching me. I have so many things happening soon with Team Friendly, my sister Phystina is performing next month, I will be at IML, also I am letting boy robert out to go and Roast Veranda at Cocktails on June 1, 2013.

Thank you to everyone that had been here helping me one step at a time!

Robert


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Confession

So this is me wanting to breakdown right now and confess to my family the one thing that many of you may know and many of you may not know.  I have had a problem recently and that problem was with drugs.  I started drugs about two years ago, but never really got deep in them until I got demoted in February of 2013.  I did stop them for a few weeks but when I was in Dallas, TX for Texas Bear Round Up after being sick for two nights I felt so unwanted and un needed by everyone really.  So in terms I decided that I was going to have some guys over, when they came over they brought drugs and well it all just fell apart from there.

When I returned home from Dallas, TX, I did not get sick because of some sickness, I got sick due to the withdrawal of the drugs.  From going non-stop on using drugs for four days to not doing them at all caused me to get sick.  It caused me to go two and half weeks with not eating, caused me to almost lose my job at the airport, caused me to have the shakes so bad that I could not sleep at all.  I had bad crazy cravings for it, and had no way to subside them but to do more of the drugs.

Finally I broke down and did more, when I did that little bit two weeks after the first slams of it all I started to feel relaxed, it worked the way I wanted it to, and then I ran out.  The time I ran out I decided that I needed to be above this.  I need to be able to get over this hurdle and be able to start on to something new.  This past weekend I was approached by many people that I call family, ALL of them were expressing there concern and finally one individual approached me and said he was worried for me and he broke me down.

The moment he broke me down it finally made me realize that I do need help to get past this.  I have the family and support from my friends behind me and that is all I am asking for.  At the moment I feel like I am about to slip or go do something stupid there will be a call to this individual.  At the moment I feel like I just can't go on the individual will get a call.  This individual is the one person that I will say has really given me some strong advice and I really need to take it and use it towards my life!  So as of Monday, April 29, 2013 I, Robert VanNess from this day forward will be fighting my addiction to drugs.  I am looking for a 12 Step Program and I am going to do it the right way!

Please stay with me and help me through this, I know for fact that I will have problems along the way, but if I have family by my side to help me and get through this, I think I will make through!

Thank You, and Sorry to those that this blog may have feeling like I have let them down.  I have let you down, but even more so myself.

boy robert

So many of you know that I have been having these crazy crazy breakdowns lately.  But after talking with family, and very close friends as well as someone from the 'outside' that doesn't know me much at all, I have come to the conclusion that boy Robert will be taking a break.

Many of you know that I have been boy Robert since I was 17 and have always been known as boy Robert.  After this weekend at CLAW I have come to realize that NO ONE knows Robert, everyone knows boy Robert.  So I am taking a break from being boy, I will be at IML, but I will be there as Robert.  I will slowly start pursuing the hobbies that I had before I started all my leather life and my charity work.  I am still going to be apart of Team Friendly Northeast Ohio as well as help with any events someone needs help with.

Can you see the change in me?

Lady Justice, thank you for talk.  Thank you for making me realize that I am pushing everyone that truthfully cares about me away, I will try my hardest to not push them away.  Master Noel, and SIR Marc, thank you for being there for me and accepting me as the crazy boy I am.  Thank you for allowing me to be a distant member of your family and allowing me to wear your family shirt.  Cb, Thank You for the talk and I am slowly working towards what we were talking about.  Dave, I do want to thank you tremendously for being there and being such a  great friend for me.  Also thank you to Master Noel, Dave and Cb for holding me when I was crying, I really needed that support and love from my family at the moments I was down.

I really hope that everyone understands this.  I know I may lose a few friends in the search of me becoming me, but I am willing to sacrifice friends to become a better Robert.  The picture attached is a picture that I took on Tuesday, April 30th 2013.  In the picture you can see the change of me in my eyes.  You can tell that I am changing for the good. Granted it is two days after I decided to start the change, but I am out in the sun walking more.  I am not in the depressed mindset that I was in before, I am finally realizing that I am loved by many.

Thank You for reading this, I really hope that everyone understands this and it makes sense.

Oraquick HIV Home Testing....

So....This was a question I posted on FaceBook earlier this week.....It was just a test to judge peoples opinions and what not which is what I am starting to do more and more......I asked everyone what there opinions were on the Oraquick HIV Home Testing kit.  These kits can be found at RiteAid, CVS Pharmacy and a few other pharmacy's that are named on there site.  Some of the opinions were positive but the majority of them were negative.  A few of the people that responded said that it was a good idea to do it in your own home, but others say no, only because if the test were to come back positive and you were alone that you are at your own risk and things may happen, and not in the good way.  Understandable, I know when I found out that I was HIV + my first instinct was 'Might as well end my life now'  but obviously that didn't happen, I have grown so much from that day til now.

So my opinion......Truthfully it is something that I am kind of indifferent about.  If you know that you are playing safe, if you know for fact that everyone you have played with is HIV - go ahead and get the home test.  If you play bare and you are always risking it, go get tested by someone.  Hell truthfully save yourself the money.  Go get tested by someone they are typically free test, usually the exact same Oraquick test that I am talking about here.  That person that is administrating the test will really be informative and will typically answer all the questions you have about testing, safe sex, some have information on STD's and truthfully that person will kind of be the breaking point of choosing life or death.  When I say that I mean if you go and test positive there is a high possibility that you will think that, I know I did and i know of others that did as well.  But when I went and got tested my counselor was there and she talked with me and just made me feel so much better about myself, and even made me feel better knowing that I can live with it and live a happy healthy life.  Four years later look at me, I am living happy, healthy and right now FULL life.  I am very proud of what I am currently doing and even more proud of the accomplishments I have accomplished!!!!

Ok...So that I have talked about going to places to get tested for HIV.  Some of the places I know of here in Cleveland, OH are the Free Clinic (thefreeclinic.org), Project S.A.F.E. (http://www.clevelandtreatmentcenter.org/projectSAFE.htm), FLEXSpas Cleveland (Mon, Tues, Weds, Fri 4p-8p), these are the current places that I know of that gives HIV testing, all offer FREE HIV Testing!  The place that I tested in Tulsa, OK that has a amazing counselor that made me feel so comfortable is called Health Outreach Prevention Education also known as H.O.P.E (https://www.facebook.com/HOPETulsa)  If you live in Tulsa, OK please contact them they are very informative!  If you are looking for places in your area that does HIV and STD testing just google it, or talk to people in your area that you know go get tested on a regular basis.  If you are Negative I suggest to go get tested every three months, more if you play bare.  If you are Neg or Pos still go get STD/STI testing on a regular basis.....

Ok I am off my little soap box for now....But I hope everyone realizes I AM NOT forcing safe sex on anyone, I am blunting just suggesting everyone to get tested on a regular basis.

Thanks for reading everyone!
boy Robert

Here is the website for Oraquick
Oraquick Website

boy With The Heart of Leather....

This blog is titled 'boy With The Heart of Leather' only because that's what my 'business' cards say on them....But truthfully that's not why I am titling the blog that.  I took my little break like everyone suggested I do, it was a SHORT one, but truthfully at the time of my breakdown I was sick and just really didn't want to be around ANYONE.  I am much better now.
So...I am now calling myself the boy with the heart of leather because that's what I have.  I don't have to wear leather to know that I am a leather boy.  I may not be as submissive, obedient or whatever else other boys are, I am fine with being me.  I am not Old Guard, not really New Guard either.....I respect those that deserve the respect and truthfully I want the same in return.  I may not be the cookie cutter boy, I don't wear Levi 501's and a white t shirt, I don't tuck my shirts in.  I know that not tucking shirts in makes you look sloppy, but right now since losing weight the shirt and pants are going to untuck it anyways so just deal with it.  I may not be the 24/7 boy that someone wants to have and own, but I am the one that makes the decision on when I am ready for that.  At that moment I will petition a Sir, at that moment I would hopefully have everything in my world squared away.
To be honest recently I have wanted to just give up and hope that something/someone would just come along and end my life.  I know this is a extremely stupid thought, but it is a thought i have had.  But i look at the accomplishments I have, and the accomplishments of what I am doing and I can't give up.  I can't give up and let the world win, I am the one that will win this fight!  Yes I know it may seem like I am starting to repeat myself, but hey such is life.  I repeat myself multiples times....Guarantee there may be a few blogs that are pretty much talking about the same thing......
So the main reasoning's behind the title.  I just want everyone to know that I am a good boy, actually i am a great boy, I am a hard working, independent, rough and tumble boy that has a soft side.  I may be a eager boy to serve, I may be a depressed boy when I can't serve, but hey this is me, no matter how hard i try to change it or how I try to manipulate it I will always be this anxious, eager boy that wants to serve and be happy at doing it.  Til then, get over it.
OK, now that is said and done.....I have a few small announcements, one, I am working pretty much part-time at FLEXspas on certain nights of the week, good job, pay is OK, and I get to work out for free!  So that's the major plus.  Also CLAW is in a few weeks and i really can't wait to see what fun, mischief and mayhem i can cause!  Also i will be having a HUGE Team Friendly Northeast Ohio Announcement.....This Weds......SO if you are following the activities of Team Friendly Northeast Ohio on face book.....you will see what my surprise is!
Lastly....I am fine, I don't need everyone constantly asking me how I am.  I am as healthy as I can be, and I am fine.  Just working a lot to be able to pay my bills and try to save.....

Thanks Everyone!
boy Robert

Battle....

So few people have been messaging me and asking me who am I fighting....well truthfully this is answered as I am fighting myself.  I jumped into the whole leather community and what not at about 17 and never really got around to discovering who 'Robert' is.  I went right into boy Robert....So since then I have been putting up the walls and everything to try and be portrayed at boy Robert, hiding any real feelings of who 'Robert' actually is.  I know some of you may think that this is crazy, but this is the truth.  I have come to this point recently of not feeling wanted, not feeling like anyone cares about me, I know that this is not true.  I do have friends, and some of those friends are family they do care about me, they care about watching me succeed more than watching me fail.  I will be boy Robert again, but only after I take the time to discover who Robert is, and who Robert wants to be/do with his life.  Just wanted to let everyone know what is going through my head, what the good and bad have done for me, and what I am going to do to succeed in my path rather than fail.  Really hope you understand, and hope to have the support of the friends closer to me.....


Robert

boys Mental Breakdown....

SO much stuff on my mind...I wish i could just vent and let it all out...But at the same time if I did that I would start pointing out the MULTIPLE flaws of my 'friends'. Some days people need to just look in the mirror and actually ask themselves what they are doing with there lives....Lately I have not been asking myself this and I have just been riding the waves to just be here in the moment. At this moment i feel like giving up on some of these so called 'friends' because when i gave them advice they listened to it for a second, then went and did the opposite when shit hit the fan. I am giving up on looking for 'love' or even a 'Sir'.....Neither will happen for me...Hasn't yet, so it will probably never happen. Yes I understand this is a woe is me posting, but lately i have just been feeling the need to let things out. The only real positive things I have going for me right now is Team Friendly Northeast Ohio, and the few people that are really close to me that make me feel like I am wanted. During TBRU i felt unwanted, felt like no one wanted to hang out or talk to me, which is mostly why I stayed at the hotel even when I started to feel better. I know there are some people that wanted to hang out and spend time together, but it just never happened......Maybe I am just going a little crazy right now, but this is really killing me and wanted to let people know that I am feeling unwanted by a lot of people lately....I feel like I am being pushed away, or even into a hole that I can't climb out of. I really hope that those of you reading this know that I need the help to not give up. I need the help of these true 'friends' to keep pushing me and helping me to not give up. I guess I will just sit back and wait to see who can help me, who can push me, who can help be that true 'friend'........

TBRU Part 1!!

boy Robert and Pup Friendly!

Hey Everyone!  I just wanted to give a update on TBRU......First of all OMG!!!  I have met so many bears, cubs, otters etc that already know who Mr Friendly is!  So many of them talk about the Team Friendly groups in there cities and its just amazing to hear about it.  There is just so much that I can type into this about the people that have come up to me and just made me feel so special!  I am going to end this here with this and say thanks Dave for allowing me to do Mr Friendly again this year!  I am proud to support Mr Friendly ANYWAY possible!  Its a strong organization and so excited to be around the bears!!!! WOOOF!!!  Remember this is just part 1!!

Friends

So....most of you know that as of Monday, Feb. 25, 2013 I was demoted from Supervisor to Ramp Agent. It was a HUGE surprise and I am taking this tough.  But I have true friends that are there telling me I am fine, everything is ok, just relax.  I know I am fine, but currently I feel like the independent person I have become is withering away because now I am stressing more about the things I never stressed about.  I never really worried about money, now I am.  I am trying to figure things out step by step.  I know I have TBRU in just a few weeks and i need to get my mind straight and re prepped for that because everything was planned out for that, now I have to pick up two extra days at work and need to make sure I can get them covered.
Sorry if this is like a little rant or anything but I was essentially just saying thank you to all my friends that have been here for me recently.  I have needed this comfort from friends and family and thank you everyone for it.  I am now going to just grab life by the horns and ride it out!  I need to find a better job and I am looking for that.  So if you know anywhere in Cleveland that is hiring, let me know!

Friendly!

Mr Friendly

So in just a few weeks I will be going to TBRU, for those of you that do not know what that is it is The Texas Bear Round Up!  It is a lot of fun and you get to meet ALOT of great guys!  This year I am heading up the Mr Friendly booth at TBRU and I am very excited!  Wondering what Mr Friendly is?  Well Mr Friendly is the face of fighting the stigma of HIV! The way I look at everything we are ALL EQUAL!  No matter if you are HIV + or HIV - we are still family!  Remember to always disclose your status to anyone that you are about to have any type of sexual encounter with.  I have personally felt this stigma and currently feeling it here in Cleveland on the hookup sites here!  Its not a good feeling, I have been HIV + for four years and have turned so much around in my personal life.   So if you want to hate on me for it then there is no reason for us to talk, I did not choose to become HIV +, but it happened.
Well the original thought of this whole blog is that I am very very proud to announce that I am working on getting a Team Friendly Northeast Ohio together!  With the help of a few close friends  we will all get this together and spread the word of fighting the stigma of HIV across Northeast Ohio!  There is so much more that can be said about this but at the current moment I am drawing a blank.  If you want to know more information about Mr Friendly and the creation of Team Friendly Northeast Ohio please feel free to email me at armycub@gmail.com!!

Jan. 27

So every year, for the past four years I have looked at today January 27 as a day that I would be depressed and down and not happy.  Well this year it is different.  This year I look at this day and look at it as the day that my life had changed around for the good.  January 27, 2008 was the day that I discovered I was HIV +, this day four years ago I wanted to kill myself, I thought to myself there was no point to continue and live.  I thought about this multiple times through out that year.  Instead I looked at myself in the mirror, and decided it would be the change, I would take it and mold it to make myself a better person from it.  So I did.

Today, January 27, 2013 I am proud to say I am HIV +, I am starting up the Team Friendly Northeast Ohio, I have held two leather boy titles, I am proud of the boy that I have become, even more proud of the things I am accomplishing every day! I have taken something that I looked as to be a death sentence on my mind and body and turned it into the thing that changed me for the good.  I am very proud of who I am today.  This is not a blog to ask for pity or anything like that, this is me finally realizing I am a good boy, I can overcome anything that is put in front of me!

Day 1.....

So day 1 of 2013 will be written in the book as my longest day so far for 2013. Worked til 1am, got home at 2am then I had to get back up at 330am to head back to work. Well long story short I worked til 2pm went home ate a snack laid on the couch and I was out, dead to the world til about 130am when I got up to go to the bathroom and crawl into bed with my big Teddy. Cuddled up with him til I had to get up and hop right back on the rapid to work at 8. Regional Manager visit today after all the crazy issues we have had the last few weeks. By the way one of the main reasons I have been gloomy is actually all based on work. Starting today work problems need to stay at work and will not be brought back out unless it involves other things.
It's amazing how thinking that way that it relaxes me more and more. It's good to get things off my mind and relax about it all. I really don't want to work today but hey, my rent will be paid tomorrow and I can take my check next week go get groceries and just let it sit in my account and not be touched! Well pay my cell phone bill and then I won't have to pay anything. Til rent is due again in Feb, so maybe ill actually start saving money! Well not much more to really say or even think about right now. I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year and hope that everything is grand an swell with you all!
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