Update on Me.....

Well...... I know most of the people that read my blog have probably been wondering how I am doing.....well truthfully I have been going nuts.  But me going nuts is the beginning to get everything turned around and back on the right path.  I have lost another 20lbs from stress, being sick, and just not being able to eat at all.  I am down to 180, last time I was this weight I was a freshman in High School.  Now anymore weight I lose I will do it all the safe and healthy way.  I have spent most of my time with my Daddy Brandyn and our newest addition to our family Tank, a 9 month old black lab, they have been helping with a lot of my breakdowns lately, since my last breakdown the day before we got Tank, I have had none.  I have not had any of my breakdowns that make me angry then cry.  Which it's a good thing!  I am actively looking for better employment, which right now I am fine with the job I have.  I am fine with everything that is happening all around me, granted things could be better and I could stress less, but right now it is all working out the way that it has to.  No one knows the path or journey until it happens.  You never know what tomorrow will bring, so just imagine that there is no tomorrow.  That's what I have been doing, live life to the fullest.  Treat everyday as its your last because you may never know what will happen within that one day.  I do regret some of the things in my past, but hey look at me now, I am standing higher and brighter than anyone ever thought I would.
Thank you Brandyn for putting up with my breakdwosn and thank you for helping me through all my issues, it's been a tough start to our relationship, but now all we have to do it look up and it will all turn fine I promise to not let you down, I promise I will try to open up more, just know I have never opened up for anyone ever before.  I love you Daddy!  Thank you!!

Izzy

Izzy and Myself

So...this is a blog posting about one individual in the last day that has actually made me so proud to do Team Friendly Northeast Ohio things as well as ANYTHING dealing with Mr Friendly.  Izzy is a 15 year old, who acts more mature than her age.  According to her mom she knows five instruments and now is seeking to learn how to conduct.  I had the privilege of meeting Izzy and her mom on Wednesday, May 8, 2013 when I made my Team Friendly Northeast Ohio presentation at the Blazing River Freedoms Band rehearsal.  After the presentation Izzy and her mom came and talked with me for a few minutes and well Izzy is very excited and has agreed to pass out Mr Friendly/Team Friendly Northeast Ohio material to people in her school.  Izzy, you are the youngest supporter of Team Friendly Northeast Ohio and I am VERY proud to have both you and your mom on this team.  I am essentially just writing this so people can see that it does NOT matter how old you are, or how young that we are all in the fight together to stop the stigma of HIV.
A simple 15 year old, well she is not that simple if she wants to play five instruments and learn how to conduct, but she is more than willing to spread the word to her classmates in high school.  I am 24 and I am willing to spread the word of Mr Friendly and fighting the stigma of HIV.  This is a ongoing battle and no matter what we need your help!  HIV is a ongoing problem so lets just so what we can do to prevent everyone from being let down.

The little boy waving to me as I walk 2.4 miles home just made this one of my best days yet. Amazing how the negative things lately are the ones that I have created. Since CLAW all I have really had are positive experience, two breakdowns but only on things I can't control. VERY proud of what I am doing for myself as well as others. Starting to get happy with the place we have moved to. A few small things here and there but do happy with the obstacles I am overcoming with Brandyn. Even more proud of the obstacles I am overcoming on my own.

The journey to discovering who Robert is will be a never ending journey. So far I have realized that the boy I claim to be is really me. I know I still have deeper work to do on this, but I am the independent boy with the boyish, mischievous smirk on the verge of causing some type of trouble. Well not really trouble but you know what I mean. This little blog initially began as a Facebook update bit as I walk and think back on the little boy that waved at me and made me smile, just the fact that we were all once that small. We were all once that innocent, but we have all grown from that. Some still wish they could turn back time and change something in there past but I see nothing in my past that I really want to change. I was raped for a reason, I became positive for a reason, I started using drugs for a reason. Everything happened for a reason and those reasons may not be completely clear right now but the reasons will present themselves when the moment is right.

I am very glad I met Brandynn, he has helped me through issues and don't think I could ask for a eternal non judgmental person in my life. Thank you Brandynn and sorry that I have the breakdowns.

So this is my one random walk he blog, I have a feeling there may before of these. If has taken me 30 minutes to walk 2 miles. Not in a hurry, other than Brandynn had dinner ready for me. But it was a nice relaxing walk, got me to think about a lot of things! I want to encourage everyone to just keep watching me. I have so many things happening soon with Team Friendly, my sister Phystina is performing next month, I will be at IML, also I am letting boy robert out to go and Roast Veranda at Cocktails on June 1, 2013.

Thank you to everyone that had been here helping me one step at a time!

Robert


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Confession

So this is me wanting to breakdown right now and confess to my family the one thing that many of you may know and many of you may not know.  I have had a problem recently and that problem was with drugs.  I started drugs about two years ago, but never really got deep in them until I got demoted in February of 2013.  I did stop them for a few weeks but when I was in Dallas, TX for Texas Bear Round Up after being sick for two nights I felt so unwanted and un needed by everyone really.  So in terms I decided that I was going to have some guys over, when they came over they brought drugs and well it all just fell apart from there.

When I returned home from Dallas, TX, I did not get sick because of some sickness, I got sick due to the withdrawal of the drugs.  From going non-stop on using drugs for four days to not doing them at all caused me to get sick.  It caused me to go two and half weeks with not eating, caused me to almost lose my job at the airport, caused me to have the shakes so bad that I could not sleep at all.  I had bad crazy cravings for it, and had no way to subside them but to do more of the drugs.

Finally I broke down and did more, when I did that little bit two weeks after the first slams of it all I started to feel relaxed, it worked the way I wanted it to, and then I ran out.  The time I ran out I decided that I needed to be above this.  I need to be able to get over this hurdle and be able to start on to something new.  This past weekend I was approached by many people that I call family, ALL of them were expressing there concern and finally one individual approached me and said he was worried for me and he broke me down.

The moment he broke me down it finally made me realize that I do need help to get past this.  I have the family and support from my friends behind me and that is all I am asking for.  At the moment I feel like I am about to slip or go do something stupid there will be a call to this individual.  At the moment I feel like I just can't go on the individual will get a call.  This individual is the one person that I will say has really given me some strong advice and I really need to take it and use it towards my life!  So as of Monday, April 29, 2013 I, Robert VanNess from this day forward will be fighting my addiction to drugs.  I am looking for a 12 Step Program and I am going to do it the right way!

Please stay with me and help me through this, I know for fact that I will have problems along the way, but if I have family by my side to help me and get through this, I think I will make through!

Thank You, and Sorry to those that this blog may have feeling like I have let them down.  I have let you down, but even more so myself.

boy robert

So many of you know that I have been having these crazy crazy breakdowns lately.  But after talking with family, and very close friends as well as someone from the 'outside' that doesn't know me much at all, I have come to the conclusion that boy Robert will be taking a break.

Many of you know that I have been boy Robert since I was 17 and have always been known as boy Robert.  After this weekend at CLAW I have come to realize that NO ONE knows Robert, everyone knows boy Robert.  So I am taking a break from being boy, I will be at IML, but I will be there as Robert.  I will slowly start pursuing the hobbies that I had before I started all my leather life and my charity work.  I am still going to be apart of Team Friendly Northeast Ohio as well as help with any events someone needs help with.

Can you see the change in me?

Lady Justice, thank you for talk.  Thank you for making me realize that I am pushing everyone that truthfully cares about me away, I will try my hardest to not push them away.  Master Noel, and SIR Marc, thank you for being there for me and accepting me as the crazy boy I am.  Thank you for allowing me to be a distant member of your family and allowing me to wear your family shirt.  Cb, Thank You for the talk and I am slowly working towards what we were talking about.  Dave, I do want to thank you tremendously for being there and being such a  great friend for me.  Also thank you to Master Noel, Dave and Cb for holding me when I was crying, I really needed that support and love from my family at the moments I was down.

I really hope that everyone understands this.  I know I may lose a few friends in the search of me becoming me, but I am willing to sacrifice friends to become a better Robert.  The picture attached is a picture that I took on Tuesday, April 30th 2013.  In the picture you can see the change of me in my eyes.  You can tell that I am changing for the good. Granted it is two days after I decided to start the change, but I am out in the sun walking more.  I am not in the depressed mindset that I was in before, I am finally realizing that I am loved by many.

Thank You for reading this, I really hope that everyone understands this and it makes sense.