Five Years....

Well today is my 5th year of testing HIV +.  Truthfully I don't know what to say, the last couple of months have been great to me.  Seems everything has been pretty much Uphill for me with a few slight small downhill moments.  But all in all I am happy.  I have attached a picture of myself and my friend Kris Kohl.  Kris was one of the first people there for me to tell me that it was not a pink slip and I would live life to the fullest.  So far I have been!  Thank you Kris, I love you!!  HIV is NOT a death sentence, I have had it for five years, I have known of others with it for much longer!  I know I may sound stupid right now, but truthfully, just getting thoughts out into a blog!

Rob

Scholarship Essay

So......Passion and Creativity, Past and Future, those were the things I wrote about in my essay for the Chopped Inspired Culinary School scholarship.  I had someone point out to me that I have competed for all sorts of leather competitions and that I was so confident in all of them, yeah that is true unsure really why I am so uneasy about this essay.  Over the last month of trying to figure out what to write for this essay it has stressed me out and truthfully made me want to just give up on it. But I am not allowed to give up anymore, giving up was the easy and 'comfortable' way to do things.  I am not ready to give up this go around.....After I receive the notes and critiques from the 'editor's', then I will need to do one last look over and combine all the comments into what I hope to be the final draft of my essay..Once it is submitted all we can do is sit back and wait...The next phase of the competition is a local chopped competition....Which I am hoping I get chosen to do!  I may not be very knowledgeable currently with foods and knife cuts but if you give me a protein and a starch I guarantee you I could probably grab a few extra ingredients and make a amazing dish!!

Deletion....

So.....I have done it....I have deleted my Boy Rob page on Facebook.  My page about me being a boy and how I have been growing myself for the community and everyone has backed me in the past. I created the Boy Rob page as my way to become a better community member and title holder.  I also did it for other reasons, but you know that life is not judged on how many people 'like' you.  Life is judged by what you do for yourself and those that love you.  At least that is how I see it.  I did everything in the past for Everyone else and I am now doing something great for myself.


What many of you may not know is that in September and October there were times that I was standing by the Red Line Tracks In Chicago, IL and thought to myself, 'I have no real meaning or purpose here, why can't I just jump and end it all'.  Other thoughts that were on my mind during those times were thoughts of thinking that there was no tomorrow, the no tomorrow thoughts for me have been prevalent since I was in High School, but I have grown to accept them.  I gave up on HIV, I gave up on my family, I gave up on love, I gave up on the community, and more importantly I gave up on my own life in the past.   The moment I chose to live was the moment I hopped on that MegaBus in November, that was the moment I decided I NEEDED to do everything for myself.  In a short period of two months I have gained 15lbs, I met a man that accepts me for my past and looks towards a future with me, I have allowed my family closer to me now more than ever before and I am just so proud to be me.  This is the reasons mostly for deleting the Boy Rob Community/Public Figure page, I did it because I felt like no one really loved me in the past.  I know it was all stupid thinking.  I know that I am loved and cared about/for.  I know I never update this blog, but I may start trying to do a weekly update mostly because I am putting my thoughts out there for me as well as you to read them, Blogging or Journaling is therapy especially for those of us that may have problems letting our feelings out really.  I know it has helped me.  Thank you for reading this and I really hope that you all understand exactly why I am doing this.